They sat on the steps of their cabin, two teenage girls, long into the night. It began as a camp conversation and quickly metamorphosed as they began their journey toward becoming best friends. The friendship grew and grew as they became BFFs over the years, like a perennial plant that blossoms in vibrant colors repeatedly over time.
Nurturing each other as they matured, nuanced thoughts found solace in the face of sadness, and joy too, as they explored their lives together, reflectively and with reciprocal respect, as their individual journeys proceeded, often on different paths. Steady and reliable over decades, like the sands in the hourglass of time, they are reminded still of the gift and power of friendship that make us glad to be alive.
I was one of those girls.
Recently I suddenly lost another close friend with whom I’ve had the glorious gift of female friendship for over four decades. She was one of those people you can’t imagine not being there, on the other end of a phone call, a trip, a crisis, a joke, a call for help or to share a milestone.
My memories of this friend drift back like colorful autumn leaves falling gracefully. They are precious. With age, our friendship became a treat, like a letter from an old friend makes us happy. Cherishing the present enhanced our daily lives as we contemplated what really matters. Sharing some of those epiphanies was a gift. They shaped the lives we’ve lived and helped make us who are. For that, I am forever grateful that Eileen was another soul sister. I miss her terribly.
The poet Rumi wrote that “A true friend is like a mirror, reflecting our souls back to us, reminding us of who we truly are.” That speaks to me because of the many gifts of friendship I’ve been blessed to experience.
Here’s another poet, Freya Manfred, whose words ring true to me too. “Friends are a steady spring rain, or late summer sunshine edging into fall, or frosted leaves along a snowy path—a voice for all seasons saying, I know who you are.”
Female friendships sustain us, give us pleasure, a shoulder to cry on, and a way to process life’s events along with our personal experiences. Our friendships are especially wonderful in ways that male bonding doesn’t equal. When I was first in a women’s group that met regularly my husband asked me once: “What do you do there?” I told him we talk, share updates, ask for advice, laugh, and shore up anyone who is struggling with some aspect of their life. “But what do you DO there,” he asked again. “I think I’m missing something, he added. “I wish men could do that.”
Differences between female and male groups are interesting. A groundbreaking UCLA “Study on Friendship Among Women” conducted last year shared what researchers have learned about the benefits of female friendships. One study found that women who had the most friends over several years reduced their risk of death by more than 60%. A notable study conducted at the Harvard Medical School reported that “the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life.” The researchers concluded that not having close friends or confidants was as detrimental to [women’s] health as smoking or carrying extra weight.
An article in Psychology Today a few years ago noted that in contrast to female friendships “male friendships are ‘side by side,’ and often built on shared activities, low-maintenance communication, and unspoken loyalty. In contrast, female friendships are typically ‘face-to-face,’ characterized by deep emotional intimacy, frequent verbal support, and a strong focus on processing personal lives together.” The article points out that men bond through shared experiences about work life, hobbies, and physicality, while women bond through intimate conversation, empathy, and emotional connection. And while men often gather less frequently, females get together frequently or regularly predicated on current needs and mutual interests that call for intimate conversation and emotional connection.
For both men and women, I think Anais Nin, writing in her diary, hit the nail on the head. “Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world order is born.”
I hope each of us has, or finds, the gracious gift of friendship that comforts us, expands our lives, accepts our truths, shares our laughter, and warm our souls. Bon Voyage!
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Elayne Clift writes from Brattleboro, Vt. www.elayne-clift.com